Rivers In Full Flow

Zeddy Lawrence - Wednesday 4th May 2005


It's the week of the Oscars and Joan Rivers is noisily noshing on a protein-packed broccoli and cauliflower salad. "Sorry about all the loud chomp, chomp noises," she loudly chomps down the phone from New York.

"I'm shaping up for the Academy Awards. Those red carpet photographers can be so cruel!"

The scathing 68-year-old's vegetable-based health drive is in complete contrast to the unhealthy outbursts she launches into as host of her pre-Oscars fashion show on entertainment channel E! Joan's Golden Hanger Awards, offering the self-styled chief of the fashion police a chance to defrock stars who think stockings and sandals are last word in silver-screen chic, has become as familiar a fixture at Hollywood's annual love-in as Tom Hanks' tears.

Not that Joan reserves her barbed asides for the stylistically stunted. In fact, when it comes to crucifying fellow celebs, there are many Rivers has crossed. The chatty, catty comedienne has cheesed off the likes of Elizabeth Taylor, Yoko Ono and Madonna, while iron-lunged Maria Carey blamed a recent bout of bulimia on Joan's jibes about her weight. She even publicly deflowered English rose Kate Winslet, suggesting, "If she just lost five pounds, Leo would've been able to fit on the raft!"

"Brits are much kinder than Americans. Once they love you they always love you. Americans love you, then hate you, then love you again."

Suffice to say no subject or celebrity will be off limits when the caustic comedy queen arrives in town next week for three Sunday night shifts at London's Theatre Royal. Her Broke 'N Alone show, which had the Scots in stitches during last summer's Edinburgh Festival, sees Joan point her razor-sharp comedy stick at Monica Lewinsky, Mick Jagger, Joan Collins' wedding, being a grandma, dealing with over-amorous grandpas, life, the universe and everything.

On stage, Joan doesn't so much stand on ceremony as trample all over it in her size nine stilettos and make it beg for mercy. "I'm an on-the-edge comedian, so anything goes," she says matter-of-factly. "Things you say to a friend you should be able to say to an audience. If people take offence, they don't come back."

Does this mean she's written material about September 11? "It's a delicate issue, but there's still comedy to be found under the surface," she insists. "Seeing the kind of suffering that took place was a horrible experience, but I think that everyone was waiting to laugh again."

Joan will be joined on stage in London by cuddly camp comic Graham Norton, an entertainer every bit as outrageous as herself. "He's a brilliant comedian and I can't believe some of the things he says," she chomps enthusiastically. "He's rowdier and louder than most Americans so I'm looking forward to being on stage with him."

Joan's also eager to return to her adopted hometown. "I'm in London every six weeks at the moment to promote my jewellery and skincare products on QVC. I enjoy the pace of the city and the amazing daylight. In Manhattan, skyscrapers block natural light out. And I've even mastered your agile tongue. One of my English friends taught me to say "brilliant!" and "good for you!" You Brits are much kinder than Americans. Once they love you they always love you. Americans love you, then hate you, then love you again."

With Joan Rivers Results Skin Care, you can smooth away the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles in just weeks (or so it says here). Results, needless to say, are more dramatic with repeated use and your statutory rights are not affected. "The products are a huge success in America, so it seemed natural to sell them in Britain," she says. "My most popular product at the moment is a face cream that really gets rid of unwanted spots."

The one-woman Wembley Market has also banked more than $200 million from her Joan Rivers Classics jewellery collection. "Our designs have been incredibly successful," she reveals. "We launched a giant jewellery watch recently which is now a top seller."

Joan wears her Judaism like a badge on and off stage. Indeed, her celebrated catch phrase "Can we talk?", which the US government has officially registered as a federal trademark, is best delivered with a Yiddish drawl.
"My family escaped the pogroms, moved to America and founded the temple in Large Mount, New York, where I grew up," she recalls. "Religion is very important to me. I'm the matriarch of the family, so the responsibility for organising festivals like Passover and Yom Kippur falls on my shoulders. And I go to temple to keep in touch with my community. Judaism is a big part of my life and an integral part of my act. I always joke about the differences between Jews and gentiles. "

Away from the cut-and-thrust of comedy and cosmetics, how does Joan spend her downtime? "I trek and paint!" she reveals. "Drop me and my dog in Scotland or the Lake District any day of the week and I'd be the happiest woman in the world. Hiking across the countryside and meeting new people is my idea of heaven! And last summer I took part in Prince Charles' new foundation for young painters in Normandy, where artists get together to paint and exchange ideas. A friend of mine runs the event, so I sneaked in for two days and haven't stopped painting since!"

After more than 40-years on the frontline of popular culture, does Joan have a single ambition left to fulfil? "Darling! There's so much left to do!" she screams. "I've never starred in a movie or a sitcom. I'm appearing on Broadway again in the fall and in concerts across the States, plus there are my shows on E! and the cosmetics and jewellery. I'm so thankful for having such a such an active and exciting life."

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