Rabbi Leivi Sudak
Rabbi Leivi Sudak is the rabbi of Lubavitch of Edgware. Each week, he enlightens us about religious rituals and traditions with his A to Z of Jewish customs.
M Is For...
Mourning
I doubt that I’m the only rabbi to have ever been asked by a mourner: “Rabbi, you don’t mind if I only sit one night Shiva? Do you?” Presumably as well, I’m not the only rabbi that has withheld the itch on my tongue to respond: “My dear friend, thank G-d, you’re not sitting Shiva for me. The Shiva that you would be sitting is for the benefit of the soul of your dear departed. If you will keep the complete Shiva, you will be giving a most special gift to your late loved one”. This is hardly an easy message to deliver to a mourner during the time of their grief.
This coming Sunday, 7th Adar, is the Yohrzeit (anniversary of passing) of our great leader Moshe (Moses). (It is also his birthday.) Many Chevra Kadisha (burial society members) fast on this day as a penance for themselves, lest they had inadvertently offended the honour of one of the deceased to whom they had attended in the past year, and as an atonement for the rest of the community so that they should all be blessed with a good long life.
When our forefather Yaakov passed away, the Jewish people observed a seven day period of mourning (in addition to the 70 day national mourning observed by the Egyptians). But it was Moshe who ruled the law of 7 days, known as Shiva – from the Hebrew word for seven.
When Aharon and then when Moshe passed away, the Jewish people observed thirty days of mourning. They accepted this mourning period upon themselves out of appreciation and esteem for these great men. This teaches us that there are (at least) two stages in the mourning period, commonly known as Shiva (from ‘seven’) and Shloshim (from ‘30’).
It is during Shiva that the mourner sits on a low chair, wears a torn garment, does not study Torah, does not wash or change garments, does not exchange greetings, does not go out of their home, does not engage in business or work, does not listen to music, does not have a haircut (nor shave), does not behave intimately, does not listen to music, and does not wear leather shoes. During Shloshim the mourner does not yet have a haircut (nor shave), put on a freshly pressed garment, give or receive gifts, attend parties or listen to music. In the case of a parent, the child carries on the latter stage of mourning for the twelve months.
Our sages differentiated between the first three days and the rest of Shiva. During the first three days, they said, the mourner is muted and hardly engages in conversation. This is why the first meal that a mourner has after the burial includes an egg, the fact that an egg has no apparent opening is a symbol of mourning.
Our sages also taught that a Yom Tov (festival day like Rosh Hashono, Yom Kippur, Succos, Pesach, or Shovuos) has the ability to ‘break’ a mourning period of either Shiva or Shloshim.
This ‘break’ may be difficult on the mourner, as the mourner is ‘denied’ the formal grieving of Shiva. Kabbalistically however, this is understood: When a person passes, the soul is beckoned to its place in the world to come. The soul may be ‘too timid’ to take its rightful place. When the relatives observe Shiva, they give the soul of their loved one the strength and courage to assume that rightful place.
The Talmud says: All the sins of one who mourns a good person are forgiven (Mo’ed Koton 25a). Moshe Rabeinu passed away on Shabbos at midday. Mr. Kalman of Hendon reminded me that this is the reason for the custom to eat chopped eggs at the Shabbos daytime meal.
Have a wonderful Shabbos.
