‘Every day is Mother’s Day without Charlotte’

Miriam Reissner - Thursday 11th March 2010


Martin Brass and his sons

Martin Brass remembers the awful moment he discovered his wife Charlotte had been diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma as if it were yesterday. It is nearly five years since Charlotte’s sudden death, which came soon after their younger son, Sam, was born in 2005. Martin was left to raise their five-month-old and two-and-a-half-year-old. For them, this Sunday’s Mother’s Day will not mean the same as it does for most children of their age.

At 32, Charlotte was pregnant with the couple’s second child, when she began to feel unwell with night sweats. The doctor said it was pregnancy related, but within a couple of weeks of giving birth she found a lump in her neck and went to see her GP again. She was sent for a biopsy and the results revealed the tragic news that Charlotte had a malignant tumour.

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Despite attending immediate chemotherapy, first at the London’s Cromwell Hospital and then at Harley Street, the mother of two died unexpectedly that May after completing only four sessions.

Charlotte went to bed one night and didn’t wake up up, leaving Martin to fulfil the role of both parents to his two children, Sol and Sam.

“She died at home with no warning. It was horrendous,” he says.
Charlotte’s funeral was attended by hundreds of people from all over the world and provoked a range of emotions for Martin.

“In many ways it was actually a wonderful day, very emotional, but pretty special – the most important day of my life.”

The children didn’t go to the funeral but attended the stone setting and have since visited their mother on a regular basis at Hoop Lane cemetery near their home in Finchley.

It will be the Jewish anniversary of her death next month and for Martin and his children, Charlotte is still very much present.

“She is a part of our lives and we remember her all the time,” he says.
As a result events such as this Sunday’s Mother’s Day do not stand out as unique for the family.

“Every day is Mother’s Day,” says Martin. On 19 May 2005 I was left with a five-month-old baby, a two-and-a-half-year-old boy, my own business and a whole bunch of questions.”

There has been no quick fix in coming to terms with Charlotte’s death.
“I have gone through my own grief and will continue to do so. I don’t think it will end and I’m not sure I want it to.”

Having the children by his side has helped him get through the last five years and talking about her death and remembering her is a routine part of their lives.

“We wave and say hello when we drive past the cemetery and it all feels very normal.”

In the aftermath of Charlotte’s death, Martin believes in the importance of having a direct and honest approach when talking with his children.

“I’m not going to wrap the children up in cotton wool. We don’t talk around it like it’s not a tangible thing.”

He knew it was important to get support for them in the aftermath of Charlotte’s death. A Google search led him to the UK charity Grief Encounter, after questions arose about what he should tell his children.

“When you’re pregnant you get a lot of advice but no professionals visit you after someone’s died,” says Martin of his experience.

He gained support from the charity in learning about the language that was needed to communicate with his sons following their mother’s death and giving them the chance to grow up with the tools and skills to help with bereavement at a later stage.

Charlotte’s death has brought with it challenges for Martin as he has adapted to life as a single parent.

At 45, Martin has had to balance his role as managing director of an international digital business and marketing consultancy, Blue Latitude, with looking after his two young sons.

He admits that playing mum was not a natural role for him and as someone who never craved routine, it is something he has had to learn. Charlotte’s death forced the father of two to change his life. He makes sure his children have structure, taking them to school most days and getting home by 6.30pm for bath time.

He has no shortage of mother figures for his children who have been key in helping the family cope with Charlotte’s death.

“My kids have had more than one mum,” he says about the women in his own family and those from Charlotte’s side.

“They step into the breach when needed and they have all given me tremendous strength.”

Charlotte’s twin sister, Sophie, has also taken on a very different role, and has looked after the children every Friday since Charlotte died and they all have Friday night dinner together.

“That continuity has been a fantastic force in our lives,” says Martin.
“She changed her life for us. It is fantastic to have that support.”

Since the funeral people rallied round the family and Martin has learnt that he doesn’t have to cope on his own.

“Often you think you have to do everything. The thing to do is to ask and try and prioritise the important things.”

Martin and his children visit Charlotte’s grave regularly and this Mother’s Day will be no exception.

It will be no different to any other day for the Brass family, as they live with Charlotte’s loss every day of the week not just on Mother’s Day.

However, there is no getting away from Mother’s Day. And as some schools prepare to carry out special activities, there will be some children who will face the challenge of feeling different.

While Martin wants the day to be normal for the children, he believes that fun activities such as card making can be perfect if handled sensitively.
“They can still make cards because they still have a mum,” he says. “She’s just not here.”



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