What Do We Tell Our Children?

by Erica Morris - Wednesday 14th January 2009


WITH HARROWING IMAGES OF ISRAEL'S MILITARY OPERATIONS IN GAZA ALL OVER OUR NEWSPAPERS AND TELEVISION, AND WITH SECURITY BEING STEPPED UP THROUGHOUT THE COMMUNITY, IT'S INEVITABLE THAT CHILDREN WILL ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON. BUT HOW DO WE EXPLAIN THE COMPLEX MORAL AND POLITICAL ISSUES INVOLVED IN A WAY THAT THEY CAN UNDERSTAND AND WITHOUT FRIGHTENING THEM?

Explaining the current Gaza conflict can be a complicated task even in discussions with adults. But trying to help young children understand the situation, and knowing how to respond when they look for answers regarding the hows and whys of the war, presents a whole different set of challenges.

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For Lucie Hass of Hampstead Garden Suburb, the job proved difficult when her seven-year-old son Sammy started asking her precisely why Israel - a country he loves - was at war, and what was meant by phrases such as 'disproportionate' and 'human shields'.

The 39-year-old mother told the Jewish News: "I really think my kids should know what's going on in the news but this is the trickiest thing I've ever had to explain to them.

"I don't want to keep information from them, I just think that's not helpful. But I don't want them to be afraid. It's difficult because my son's a bit older now and asking more questions."

Hass said her son was worried for relatives in Israel and was concerned for his younger sister - four-year-old Abbie - constantly trying to protect her from disturbing news items.

She added: "He wasn't sure if Palestinians didn't like Israel or didn't like Jewish people, and I had to try and find a way to explain to him that it's not all Palestinians - that just like there are good Jewish people, there are good Palestinian people. I don't want him growing up with a prejudice, but it can be difficult to know how to explain it all."

Lucie said security has been heightened at her son's school, Akiva in Finchley, adding to the growing sense of awareness he and children like him are experiencing.

She said: "We don't want our children having nightmares but we do want them to be aware of what's going on. My son asked if he could go to the rally in Trafalgar Square and I had to explain to him that it wasn't a safe place for children to be, which can be a difficult concept for a child to understand because why shouldn't it be safe?"

Rabbi Andrew Shaw, Executive Director of the United Synagogue's youth wing, Tribe, said he has fielded several questions from concerned parents in the last week.

He told TJ: "It's important that parents explain to the children the morality and the just cause of Israel defending itself from terrorists. You must be honest but parents should keep it as simple as possible."

He added that he spoke to children in his congregation at Stanmore United this past Shabbat, telling them "Israel is defending itself, just like any country, be it Britain or America or any other, has a right to do".

He added: "Children want information from adults that is honest and it's important not to lie or withhold. Children can see through that. Especially with older children, it is possible to have an open dialogue about the issues without going into a place that will make them anxious or scared.

"Just reiterate that Israel is protecting its citizens."

Lisa Hawking, an educational psychologist in Wimpole Street, central London, spoke to the Jewish News about how to handle the delicate subject. She said: "I think the best thing to do is acknowledge that war is horrible, that Israel wants peace, and listen to the child's fears.

"If children are anxious or concerned, it's important to be honest with them, but not in a way that is going to increase their fears. You can acknowledge that it is scary, though."

Images on television and in the newspaper can be frightening for young children, and Hawking suggests keeping these violent pictures to a minimum around kids who may not be able to handle the graphic photos.

She adds: "If it gets to be too much, turn off the television. Hearing something is different than seeing it, and if you've got young or sensitive children, try not to expose them to the images."

Sally Strauss, a member of the Jewish Teachers Association, reiterated the importance of honesty when explaining the crisis to children, and said "parents should take care to share only what is necessary, so as to not frighten the children".

She added: "I would give minimum details and then open up a discussion for questions that the child might have. The important thing is to provide honest information without overwhelming the child.

"Obviously, it's an awful situation and a difficult spot for parents, but with some delicacy children should be able to ask questions and receive information without becoming frightened."

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